The Misadventures of Sasuke the Great
by Rain-chan
Summary: This is a collection of the misadventures of Sasuke. I warn you, it's not nice. It's funny, but it's not nice. Starting out with a birthday, continuing on with a published diary...the possibilities are endless.
1. A Bothersome Birthday

_Hey, it's me again…finally. My other fanfics are still lost…somewhere…so I wrote this one. It was…an inspiration. Don't ask me how I came up with it, because I don't know. Anyhow, flames are not accepted, because flaming is unintelligent and annoying. If you don't like it, at least try and act smart. Vegetables are good for you, yada yada yada…and let's begin. Because we all know that I'm just stalling. FE6 really needs to come on over to North America. Or else._

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Or Trix. The good thing is, you all know that. The bad thing is, I still have to do this disclaimer. Because there are stupid people in the world. You all know that, too. Unless you're one of them.**

* * *

_**The Misadventures of Sasuke the Great**_

_A special presentation made specially by _

_Rain-chan, for lack of a better name at the current moment,_

_for you, the readers._

* * *

The infuriating beep of the alarm sounded. Sasuke, who normally would have snapped awake at the first beep (because he's cool like that), groaned, rolled over, and pulled the covers over his head. Something in his mind told him that today was a bad day, and he wanted nothing more than to sleep through it, although, at that moment, he couldn't quite recall what "it" was. To top it off, he had a sore neck from sleeping in the wrong position and that horrible beeping was giving him a splitting headache. He listened to the beeping in annoyance.  
That was when it hit him. Like a sack of potatoes being tossed out of a cannon at 90 MPH. Or remembering that you have a huge project worth 25 of your final grade due that day and have done none of it. The horrible truth dawned of him in the most unpleasant of ways. 

Today was his birthday.

Sasuke made a strangled sound in his throat. He hated birthdays almost as much as he hated that accursed brother of his.  
He let the beeping of the alarm continue for another 20 minutes, at which point the just could not take it any more. He threw off the covers in a grouchy fashion, and promptly fell right out of bed and onto the hard, cold floor. He pulled himself up by the nightstand, bringing his fist down on the stupid alarm clock, determined to take his anger out by silencing that thing forever. Sadly, as soon as his hand came down upon the helpless machine, it slid on the smooth wood, and so with the arm supporting Sasuke and the arm trying to kill the alarm clock, resulting in a slipping Sasuke and a terrible crack on the head, forehead smashing right into the edge of the nightstand.

Today was going to be a long day.

* * *

Sasuke looked into the bathroom mirror and rubbed the red mark that was smack-dab in the middle of his forehead. It hurt like crazy, and was making Sasuke even more grumpy than he had been when he first awoke. It didn't help that his corn flakes had been stale, the had been milk lumpy, and all that was left to eat was that horrible Trix cereal. Sasuke had decided to go without breakfast after a short contemplation of his options. He rubbed his forehead again, causing the bump to throb, causing Sasuke to get even more irritated, which, as it would happen, let to a broken bathroom mirror and some rather deep cuts on Sasuke's hand. All this, and the he hadn't even left his house.

* * *

After bandaging his hand up, which was difficult on account of it having been his good hand smashing the mirror and therefore had to be bandaged with his not-so-good hand, Sasuke finally made it out the door. His hair was tousled, more than usual, anyway, his shirt was wrinkled from the incident with the door hinge, and his pale skin was even more pale than usual. As he tripped down the front steps, he hoped against all odds that no one knew it was his birthday. We all know, of course, that it was a lost cause, and Sasuke himself probably knew his situation was hopeless. 

As luck would have it, as soon as he made it out into the open, Sasuke came across the first person of the day. Actually, it was the first person and the first person's dog. Yes indeed, it was Kiba.

"Hey, Sasuke!" Kiba smacked Sasuke so hard on the back that Sasuke almost choked. Luckily, his mouth was so dry from sheer horror that he had nothing to choke on. "Heard it was your birthday"

Sasuke got over the coughing fit he had suffered in place of choking. He decided to play stupid. It worked for Naruto. "W-what?"

"Yeah, you know, those fangirls are on their way over here right now." Kiba continued talking, ignoring Sasuke's pathetic attempt to save himself. "You can hear them from a mile away." He cocked his head to one side, listening.

"Woof woof!" said Akamaru in agreement, and then he whined, because dog's ears are much more sensitive than people's, and the terrible screams were torture.

Sasuke believed Kiba to be exaggerating, but he, too, listened for a moment to humor the guy. And to his complete mortification, he could hear the screeching.

"It's Sasuke's birthday!" The shout came from approximately a mile away.

Kiba grinned in satisfaction. "Am I good or what?" Then he began a hasty retreat. "Well…see ya." With that lovely farewell, he and Akamaru took off running.

Sasuke immediately decided to do the same.

* * *

Tripping over the tail of a cat unlucky enough to be in the way, Sasuke rounded the corner of the street. He should have been home-free, since he knew of a nice, quiet spot in which he could hide. 

Unfortunately, it was Tenten's shopping day.

"Watch it!" Tenten yelped, dodging to get out of Sasuke's way and almost dropping her bag of apples.

The screams of the fan girls grew ever closer. Sasuke's eyes widened in horror. Abandoning all dignity in a desperate attempt to save himself, he dropped to his knees and began to beg.

"Lord, Tenten, please, please hide me!" Sasuke sobbed. "If you have any mercy or pity or whatever-it-is in your heart, please hide me"

Needless to say, Tenten was rather scared by this begging-Sasuke. She wondered for a minute if he was possessed, or something. She decided she'd rather not wait and find out. "Yeah, sorry, you're creeping me out." She then turned and began to walk away.

"No!" Sasuke howled. "Please don't do this to me"

The fangirl screams became even louder. Tenten stopped and contemplated the situation. She sighed. "Well…I guess I might know of one place…"

* * *

"Are you sure this is the only place?" Sasuke's knees were jamming into his chin. 

"Yep." Tenten stepped back and surveyed the scene before her, which was basically Sasuke smushed into a kitchen cabinet. Sasuke highly doubted it was even Tenten's own kitchen, considering the fact that she had climbed in through a window.

Without warning, the windows began to rattle, snapping Sasuke out of his thoughts. An earthquake? Of course not. Just the fan girls drawing closer. Tenten glanced at the window she had pried open with a crowbar (**A/N**), slammed the cabinet door, and made her escape.

Sasuke blinked in the sudden darkness. The door had smashed his nose. Great. The sound of a stampede grew closer. To his horror, Sasuke could hear everything they were saying. Or, rather, screaming.

"I got Sasuke TOMATOES!" screamed one fangirl.

"Tomatoes? OMG! Me too!" screamed all the others.

Sasuke groaned. The windows rattled harder, and the individual screams all mingled into one unceasing roar. For a minute, Sasuke panicked, wondering if, like bloodhounds, they could track his scent. Maybe they could smell fear, too.

Luckily, the fangirls did not sniff Sasuke out like rabid dogs. The street grw quiet once more as the horde of fangirls passed. Several people, not as lucky as Sasuke, screamed as they probably got run over. Sasuke breathed out, thinking he was safe, when he heard a whistling sound. Yes, a whistling SOUND. Because it definitely was not actual whistling. Footsteps sounded in the empty kitchen. What had Tenten done?

* * *

For an irritatingly long time, Sasuke was forced to sit in that tiny cabinet. His left leg fell asleep. His arm was bent in a painful position. His neck hurt. And then, the footsteps grew closer. So did that horrible whistling noise. The cabinet door was suddenly, without warning, yanked right open. 

Horrified, Sasuke found himself staring at a certain someone. A certain someone in greem spandex. He was greeted with a screech.

"Sasuke! What are you doing in my cabinet?!" Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.

_One_ _day,_ Sasuke thought. _One day I'll get Tenten back for this._

Rock Lee was doing a strange nervous-scared-surprised-shocked dance in the kitchen, going around in little circles. "Sasuke has stolen the heart of my beloved, and now he has come to steal my silverware, too"

"I don't want your stupid silverware!" Sasuke yelled.

Lee stopped abruptly. "You…do not"

"No, I don't. What I want is to get out of this cabinet, out of this house, and out of this village, preferably"

And that was when he heard it. A high-pitched scream. Fangirl #57 had slept in, and, having been late for the mob gathering, had been home to hear Lee screaming in his kitchen.

With that scream, Sasuke fell out of the cabinet. He picked himself up, looked around frantically, and spotted the kitchen window. Not having a crowbar, he smashed right through it and took off running down the street, leaving a very confused Rock Lee in the kitchen to clean up the mess.

* * *

Sasuke limped down the street. He'd twisted his ankle in the frantic dash. The fangirls were probably gathering to discuss his imminent capture. He was getting hungry. How could things possibly get any worse? 

People should know better than to ask that question. Right after thinking it himelf, Sasuke heard a distant rumble. He felt a rather large raindrop fall on his nose.

And then it started to pour.

Sasuke began to feel very, very emo. He watched the dirt turn to mud as he trudged through the deserted street. He was, in fact, so absorbed with his being emo that he did not see the only other person outside until it was too late.

You're probably thinking that it's Sakura, right? That something sickeningly romantic will happen and everything will end in butterflies and rainbows, hmm? Well, there are three problems with that theory. One, this is not filed under the "romance" category. Two, this is not a one-shot. It has more than one chapter. Three, I like to make Sasuke suffer. Like I said, this is not a one-shot. It's not even a romantic comedy. Therefore, it is far from the sappy romance some of you may have been expecting.

No, the person standing in the street was none other than Neji. And he was petting a rabbit.

* * *

_There, I'm tired. My hands are all shaky and so it's taking forever to type this. Plus, I've been overcome with sadness for the fanfic I have yet to finish. Check it out, and I will. If I get one more review, it continues. It's called Once Upon a Friday: Gone Terribly Wrong. Or something along those lines. I was playing Baten Kaitos Origins instead of doing something productive. Ah, bliss…Anyway, this is a mean, multiple-chapter fanfic that must get reviews to live. It feeds on your reviews! GIVE! No flames. Flames are for people who are too stupid to think of anything good to say. By the way, I did this very late, so if there are errors, deal with it._

**A/N: When asked why she was carrying a crowbar, Tenten failed to answer with anything more than a nervous laugh and a "Oh, you know..."**


	2. The Birthday Continues

_Here I am again. My nails are painted black. Next is purple. Anyway, it's been a while, but I've just not had the time, you know? Plus, I've been...uh...doing...stuff. Like, playing Phoenix Wright and Dirge of Cerberus. Super good times. Vincent's so cool. I also pre-ordered Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I'm so excited! I've been checking the website, and the music is amazing. And there's Ike! Oh-my-gosh Ike! And Zero Suit Samus! And Final Smash! And...and...YES! So. On with the story._

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the copyrighted material in this story, such as Naruto. The end.**

* * *

For a minute, Sasuke just stared at Neji, and Neji stared back with his creepy eyes. It continued to rain.

Finally, Neji straightened and brushed invisible dust off his shirt. He glanced around nervously, perhaps to see if anyone else had seen him petting the bunny. Then he glared at Sasuke, turned, and began to walk away.

Crossing his arms in his "pose of attitude", Sasuke called after Neji. "Hold it."

Neji stopped abruptly.

"What were you doing..._petting _a _rabbit_?" Sasuke was trying to act tough, but actually, he was just curious. The formidable Neji, petting a rabbit? Something was way off, and it wasn't just the alignment of the bones in Sasuke's throbbing ankle.

Neji tossed his hair. "Who cares?"

Neji made to walk away again, but Sasuke was ready for him. He whipped out his cell phone, which he conveniently had in his pocket for this story, and pressed 1 on Speed Dial. He then pressed Speakerphone. Neji turned around to observe the surprising turn of events.

After ringing for several seconds, someone picked up on the other end. "Hello, Neji Fan Club, this is the Vice-President speaking. How may I be of service?"

Neji's face paled. Okay, it paled more than it already was.

"Uh, yes, this is...member #58726." Sasuke made his voice high-pitched and recited the secret code-name.

"Ah yes, member #58726. Any news on Neji?" The voice from the other end became excited.

"Why, yes, actually." Sasuke stared at Neji while he spoke. "You see, I just saw Neji-"

In an instant, Neji was over by Sasuke, trying to grab the cell phone. He wanted nothing more than to smash it to bits. But Sasuke would have none of it.

"Tell me what you were doing or I'll tell everyone else," Sasuke growled, covering the mouthpiece with his hand.

For a minute, Neji struggled with his inner thoughts. On one hand, Sasuke was not the person he wanted to tell about his personal life. On the other hand, if those fangirls found out...

Sasuke tapped his foot. He had never been a very patient person. Being wet and in pain made him even less patient than usual.

"Fine, fine." Neji folded his arms and tried to look threatening, but really, he just looked scared. His face showed his relief when Sasuke snapped the cell phone shut and slipped it back into his pocket. "I was...well..."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Spit it out, Hyuuga."

"I _like_ rabbits, okay?!" Neji shouted. "Are you happy? _I. Like. Rabbits_!" He then turned and stomped away down the street.

Sasuke snorted. Neji? Liking rabbits? That was too much. Satisfied, he turned and walked back in the direction of his house, a spring in his limp. He figured the fangirls would have been thrown off by his not being at his house. It would probably be safe. Plus, it was raining. Being soaked, he wanted to change into dry clothes and wrap up his swollen ankle. Little did Sasuke know that the say was about to get a whole lot worse before it got any better.

* * *

It should have been simple, opening that door. But Sasuke stood on the front steps, paralyzed. Someone was in there. Someone he probably did not want to see. He was about to turn back around and go somewhere else, when he saw a familiar blonde head bobbing over some shrubs down the road. Oh dear. There was no way he was going to face _that_. So, he took a deep breath, and went inside.

Sasuke's footsteps echoed down the darkened hallway. Ominous music played mysteriously from somewhere in the house. Which struck Sasuke as very, very odd.

Someone was in his house playing his ominous music. And the noise was coming from the main room! Picking up speed, Sasuke rushed the door, which broke in half under his weight. And there, dancing around in the middle of the room, were two people. Two people who filled Sasuke with hatred and dread.

Wearing purple party hats, Itatchi and Kisame danced around a giant stereo system from which flowed ominous music.

"Oh, it's Darling Sasuke!" Itatchi gushed, squishing his cheeks up with his hands. "Sweet Little Brother-"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!" Sasuke screamed with horror.

"Not much of a greeting," grumbled Kisame.

"Oh, what, you expect me to be _happy_ that you're here?" Sasuke wondered if he could at least take one of them out.

Itatchi pouted. "Well, it would be nice since we came here for your birthday specially, Sasuke-wasuke.■ He▓d turned off the ominous music.

"Yeah, sure. Hey there, Kisame, you're looking creepy as ever. How's it going, Itatchi? Killed anyone lately?" Sasuke said sarcastically.

"Actually, no," Itatchi replied.

"Really? You think I look creepy as ever?" Kisame studied his reflection in a hanging mirror.

Itatchi shook his head. "Enough of the whatever-you-call-it-when-you-chatter-endlessly. It's time to get down to business."

That was it then. He was going to die. Sasuke gritted his teeth. Not without a fight.

Itatchi and Kisame closed in on him. And then...and then...

"Happy happy birthday, from all of us to you, we wish it was our birthday, so we could party too, YAY!" Itatchi and Kisame broke out into song, throwing confetti around.

Sasuke almost fainted.

"Blow out the candles, darling little brother!" Itatchi shoved a cake in Sasuke's face. "Make a wish! And then you can open your presents!"

"...uh..." Sasuke realized then that he probably had passed out, and this was all some horrible nightmare. So he did the only thing he could do.

Sasuke blew out the candles.

"HOORAY!" screeched Itatchi and Kisame in unison. "PRESENTS!" They then proceeded to shove presents in Sasuke's face.

One after the other, Sasuke opened his presents. Present one was a vial of poison. "Sorry, it was all I could find around the house," said Itatchi, beaming. "Don't drink it, Sasuke-wasuke. I even put a Mr. Yuck sticker on there."

Present two was a coin purse full of money. "That one was from me! We came across this guy on our way here..." Kisame clapped his hands joyfully.

Present three was lotion. "You've always had the nicest skin, Sasuke-wasuke. You should take better care of it," said Itatchi thoughtfully. Throughout the whole thing, Sasuke sat completely paralyzed by the aura of stupidity hovering around him. Well, the two auras, actually.

Finally, the nightmare was over. With plenty of singing and dancing and blowing of whistles, Itatchi and Kisame departed, disappearing down the dark street, leaving Sasuke looking after them in a daze. And with that, Sasuke turned around, marched up the stairs, and threw himself into bed. Thank GOD that was over.

* * *

_And so ends the first part. Ready for the next part? I'm actually not sure I am, because I haven't thought quite that far down the road, so...if you have any ideas, be sure to tell me, and I'll make your wildest dreams come true. I've beaten Trials and Tribulations already, so...I have nothing better to do. Then, until later. Out. Oh yes. I also wanted to let everyone know that I am working on a sequel to the one story I have finished. My lovely Friday story. It's got a Saturday coming up._


End file.
